The plight of the overthinker...

My brain is my greatest asset, sharpest weapon, and worst fucking enemy.

I haven’t posted anything in months. When I first started this blog, I set a goal to post something at least every 2 weeks. I even had a list of topics I wanted to rant and rave about. Clearly, I have missed that goal. By a lot.  

I do have all the usual excuses: I don’t have time, I don’t feel inspired, I’m too stressed… However, the biggest obstacle to reaching that goal is my brain. I think too much. Every time I decide I’m going to write something, I want it to be really good (at least in substance, because I’m not really a writer). I told myself my blog wouldn’t be just about fun and kittens, that it would have good ideas and thought-provoking words, that it would have the potential to turn into the kind of blog people share on social media and actually tell others about.

So I think about my posts long and hard, and then think about whether others will or won’t like them and why. I think about what readers will get out of my blog, and if I can’t think of what they are getting out of it, then I have to re-think the content of my posts.

Naturally, to come up with a better idea for a good post, I have to really think about and understand why my initial idea wasn’t any good. Eventually I *logically* arrive at the conclusion that maybe none of my ideas are any good, and maybe I should just give up, let real writers do the blogging.

Then I decide that I shouldn’t give up, so I start thinking about something else to write and start the over-thinking process all over again. So I’m back to square one. All because I thought others would think that my posts weren’t substantial enough. I completely shot myself down, doubted myself, and got sucked into another downward spiral of inactivity and, therefore, self-loathing. Because of something my brain told me MIGHT happen.

And I have realized that this tends to be what happens with almost everything I actually want to do with my spare time. I haven’t painted in months because I think about it too much. I think about why I want to paint that, why I want to use that technique, how I would explain it to someone, how I would incorporate it into an artist statement, how others would react to it, what others would think, etc etc etc. And thinking about all that makes me afraid that I won’t accomplish what I think I might want to accomplish. So instead I just don’t do it. I think myself into inactivity.

Same thing with illustration. I think that I want to do something fun and whimsical, or something editorial and satirical, maybe even write and illustrate a short comic or story. But then I start thinking: How are all these ideas going to fit into my style? Or, how am I even going to develop a style or an aesthetic if I have so many different, unrelated ideas? How is anyone going to take me seriously if I’m all over the map? Does it really matter that I don’t quite yet have a style? Do I need to focus on developing a style? Is it ok if I just go forth and create? What will fellow painters think of me when they see that I also do graphic design and illustration? What will designers think when they see that I also consider myself a painter? Can I make these two come together? How?

And the end result tends to be the same: no painting, no illustrating, no designing, no writing and no doing any of the things I KNOW make me happy because I THINK about them (and others’ reactions to them) too much.

I think about quitting my job so that I can focus my time and energy on being creative. I think that quitting my job will force me to use all that free time to create things and finally become self-employed doing what I love! But then I think about the risk of not succeeding and not finding another job to help pay the bills in the mean time. Then I go back to thinking about whether or not others will like what I create, and whether or not I’ll ever be self-employed. But then again, quitting my job is like burning your battleships upon reaching enemy shore. You either win, or you die; but you can’t retreat. And all that free time I’d have…

But will I use that time to create, or to think about creating?

I know I just need to start DOING more and thinking a little less. That’s why I am writing this and trying not to worry too much about its substance and whether or not someone else will like it. Maybe I can somehow train myself to think less.

I think.

Fuck!